..and I’m not only saying this because I have survived my first exams in university or Christmas and New year’s. Above all I am saying this, because i might have to remind myself on that fact sometimes. Lately, I have recognised that I do care a lot more about my advanced age than I’d like to admit. Yeah, yeah… I know, „Nothing to complain about“ comes now from all the 1970s in the back row. But hey, this blog is about me, myself and I and I want to complain now: 34!!!! OMG!!!! It’s not that I wake up bathed in sweat at night, being afraid that my time is running out and life slips through my fingers, but…. ALMOST!!!
It seems to become more often that I feel really damn old. Although I have to admit that it’s mostly myself who puts the focus on that. I’m not getting tired to mention my age wherever I am. Let’s say, there is a group of people between 20 and 30 sitting together, having drinks, everything nice and I have nothing better to do than to scream out loud, that I am definitely the oldest in the room. As if I was a fossil or the earth-mother, a reeeal old woman. One might give me a cane and hearing aid please! Why do I do that? I mean… i seriously don’t look old anyways. And age shouldn’t matter, but is that reality?
I once met a guy, originally from Africa. He explained me that where he comes from, people sometimes don’t even have a birth certificate and if later you need to have documents, your parents just think of a day that you were born and estimate your age.
So indeed, he said, that even if on the documents he’s 32, in real life, he is something in between 30 and 35. He doesn’t know. Shocking, right? But at the same time, he used to never really care about his age and just lived life day by day. So when he came here, he recognised how important the role of the age is in this society. That’s a thing that puts pressure on people. You constantly ask yourself what you have achieved and what not, where do you stand now, bla bla…In the end, we all know what that means:
I have to move to Africa!!!!
No, but actually people say: „You are always as old as you feel.“ It’s just that I always feel young and I think I always will do. If one day not, sad enough… But in this society, there are different expectations for a woman in my age. I recently met a friend from former times (didn’t want to say „old“ friend) and she asked me: „Don’t you feel really old in between all these young students?“ – I really wanted to answer: „I feel like YOU are really old with your fine jacket and the high heels!!“ – I didn’t. I kept my aggression in the box, smiled politely and answered: „Nope!“ – Just like young people do! 😉
I actually don’t want to be defined by a number. I am so much more than that and I think, most people don’t do this anyways. I have actually met super cool and sweet people in university. It’s probably mostly me who has the biggest problem with it. Big enough, that I need to work this out in my blog at least.
If I meet a cute guy who is younger than me, I immediately have the feeling I need to clear things up and inform him about my age. As if this was one of my biggest issues that he needs to know about. As if I was less likeable or attractive, because of that number in my passport. Which is ridiculous. I should really sometimes punch myself in my face. If a guy really didn’t like me anymore because of my age, he wouldn’t be someone I am interested in anyways.
However, I don’t know how to make a good transition to my book now, so I will simply say: I have also finally finished my book! And yes, I call it a book now, because I gave it to a friend and she read the 311 pages within three days and she understood it and it touched her and she was full of love for it. I know, as she is a good friend, I need to narrow her warm words down to 50 percent, but even then what stays is a reasonable book. And I am soooo damn proud of that. I’ve always been a bit shy about calling myself a „writer“ when there are so many people out there who do writing on a whole other level, but I was working on that novel story for about two years, I created a plot, characters,.. and now another person can read it, feel the story, dive into it, understand the characters, it can make one thinking or emotional. However, no matter what comes from this, this is my baby. 🙂
But enough of being all cheesy and complaining about age and stuff. I’m going to Central America very soon! 7 weeks off. I will definitely write there but probably not in my blog- as you might have recognised, I am not very disciplined when it comes to that. Maybe I try some of these Insta story things that young people do though! I can’t let down my 68 followers on Instagram (prob a bit less after this blog entry :D).. You know, fanbase and so on…
However, happy new year to all the youngsters and oldies out there! We are still alive! Whoo-whoo!
P.S. If you ask yourself what the sense of this entry was..THIS is called: self- therapy! I am feeling much better now! 😉