I can’t be bothered to write the same long Intro to this Blog entry as I did in german before. Shortly said: I was horribly lazy today, I haven’t been productive at all besides washing my hair so I decided that I will write one blog post to make myself feel a little active at least.
Yesterday a friend of mine (I do have lots of friends) told me to be more self – confident, especially when it comes to men. You have to know that I had told him about some really weird and extraordinary dates I had had where I sat still, smiling friendly not saying a word, while the guy behaved like a total idiot. This also lead me to deleting my tinder account.
Anyways. In german the word for self- confidence is similar to the word for self-awareness and for me this is a big difference. I am self confident in some ways. Give me an empty dance-floor and good music and I will be the first to come and the last to go, no matter if people watch me or have an opinion on my – sometimes extraordinary– dance skills. I will be very loud and committed to my very own opinion on politics or other life happenings- ALWAYS! Even if it is not rationally proven that I am right. I wear my bright orange jacket with pride and joy although people already told me that I look like a traffic cone wearing it. I am very self confident when it comes to these things. But I am also very self aware that there are loads of situations in life where I am absolutely not self- confident at all.
I am shy sometimes. This might sound like a surprise but if I meet someone that I fancy (I am talking about men here), I am blathering super big nonsense at times.
I don’t know why, but I never get to say anything smart if I am in front of a cute guy.
It’s always bullshit plopping out of my mouth then. If I am well prepared, I quickly switch to the friendzone- which means that either the guy thinks, I am a weirdo or in the very best case he sees me as a „friend“ which is ok, because I am safe in the friendzone. So you see- I am not super successful in my flirting skills, but the relationship area is not the only space that I am insecure with.
I recently booked a flight to Panama although I always see myself ending up kidnapped or eaten by wild animals. Actually I am a coward in most life situations. I am afraid of making big decisions, making wrong decisions, falling in love, never falling in love, quitting my job, wasting my time, not sleeping in, not waking up, climate change, publishing a book and being criticised, not publishing a book, loosing family and friends, and so on. You see! Lots of fear, lots of insecurity, not much self confidence here.
But still- I am leaving my comfort zone and dealing with all these things. (Not much choice here) I am travelling (also alone) over half of the planet, I am dating weird guys, I did quit my job, I am writing..
Life is not about being super confident and strong all the time. It’s above all about being self- aware and get to know yourself better day by day. I am very well aware of my insecurities and insufficiencies but learned to deal with them and I am doing a little better day by day. Maybe one day I will also learn how to flirt properly. 🙂
You might now ask or not ask yourself why I chose this title for the blog post. Today I have talked to a friend of mine as well (yes- ANOTHER friend- I m super lovely to hang out with :)) and I was complaining to her about Sundays and how I always feel empty and lazy and tired and like a total loser these days, because I still don’t know what to do with my life for real, I haven’ t made big decisions yet, I still haven’t got my own apartment, still no money, no boyfriend, and so on. At the end of my cry fest she only said:
„Well, I guess you get used to everything, don’t you?“
I love my friends.
Have a nice Sunday, Vera.
