My todays topic is not so much about the picture – although maybe it is indeed a little bit, because it deals with the ups and downs in life 🙂
At the moment I’m lying in bed ill though and I started to think about love (as the title says)- yes- i know, I should maybe watch Netflix instead (or sleep), because how will we ever be able to understand what love actually is… But I hardly can breath and my bones ache so it’s a good way to distract myself 🙂
When it comes to my very own love life we could end this blog post here. I’m just saying: BLANK PAGE.
But hey, I have a bunch of experiences that I can count on and I’m not tired yet to let you all know about them 😉
As I always say: Love is a battlefield and in the end I tended to always lie there, licking my wounds at the bottom of the facts. Reality is a bitch. (I’ve never said, that I am a poet) and especially when we are in love sometimes, it can hit us straight to our faces and leave us lost.
I first was in love in Kinder-garden. It was so cool, because the guy loved me back – for at least 4 hours – then he met my brother and he found it way more exciting to play football with him than to hang out with me. What should I say? My heart bursted into a thousand pieces and this is how it continued many times after that.
Ok, this is slightly dramatic. To be fair, I’ve had great relationships in my life and there were a lot more happy hours with other men to come, who didn’t reject me to play football with my brother, but what stays at the end of a relationship is always the certain weird taste of heartache and grief, even if I was the one to quit.
People do get hurt. This is a fact. And I don’t want to be on any of the both sides. The one who gets hurt or the one who hurts. Even though I keep saying that I am open for new love, I haven t been in love for a few years now and I think, this is, because I started to protect myself from this risk. I fancy guys and I appreciate guys (sometimes I appreciate the guys that I actually fancy less than the other ones… *hmmm*)
But it’s been a while that I’ve had a more profound bonding with someone. That doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy any kind of „getting to know each other“, it’s just that I miss this certain spark and excitement. People keep telling me that when you grow older, this is how you fall in love and I understand their point of view.
We are all adults. We know, there are hormones and there is mind and heart. And above all there’s friendship. But I think, for love – it needs all four of these above said. I want that certain spark, I want to feel it deep down in my guts and if the guy is worth it and he feels the same way, we will discover ourselves in a more emotional or mindful way as well and he will become my best friend. I might be unrealistic here, but my parents (who have been married for 44 years now) proved me right. My dad once told me that love is, what comes first, relationship is, what you choose afterwards. Every single day from new. There might be days when the choice is easy, because you feel the trust, affection and love for each other and some days you really have to remind yourself why you actually don’t want to be without this person. My dad has said, he hasn’t regret his choice ever this far. 🙂
But maybe this is what keeps us away from getting „involved“ anymore: Because it requests work.
I sometimes have the feeling, guys don’t ask me out on dates anymore (besides on tinder- but i deleted it) they rather like your profile pic. It’s easier to sleep with each other than to actually talk to each other, because then you don’t have to disappoint anybody.
I’m not only accusing boys here, I am the same. I try to never make false promises, never get too attached to people so no one gets hurt. Sometimes I might miss out on experiences, only because I want to stay on the safe side though.
A friend of mine lately said that she thinks, if one day she is ready and she is the perfect herself she can be, she is going to meet the right man. I don’t agree on that. We will never ever be the „perfect“ us. I can grow 99 years and still have a full bunch of imperfection outside and inside. Some people will accept these on me, some won’t. And then there are the ones who will love these about me. These are the people I want to keep myself surrounded by.
But I do agree that it is a big help, if you are aware of who you are (as far as this is possible) and what you want for yourself.
The good about all this mindfuck is, that in the end, it s not you alone who has to do all the work (even if in my past I sometimes thought that’s the way it is) – in the end there are always two people.
And if both want it, something can grow out of it… I could write a whole book when it comes to this topic, but I think, I have fever and I really should put my lap top away now and try to sleep again.
At the end of the day, a blank page is ready to be filled- so I try to be open and risky for love and whatever life brings up.
I’ll keep you updated about it! 😉
LOTS OF LOVE, Vera.