So I was asked if I really plan to post every blog entry in English and in German and I can clearly say: „NO“. If you read my last post in both languages, (which even I wouldn’t do – it’s way too much) you may have recognised that the context in english varies slightly to the context in german. First of all, because I’m lazy and I can’t be asked to type every single bit of it again and second, because I always feel a bit like a different person in English than in German. This is what I’ve always tried to explain to my english – speaking friends. The sound of my English voice is different from my german one. German is my mother tongue so my heart probably opens much wider than in English. It’s like two different people inside me which leads me actually to today’s topic. 🙂
It’s about a serious one this time. I know, my tinder experiences are probably as important for the worlds future generation as my thoughts of today… but still I want to keep my sarcasm voice a bit more quiet than usual, because I’m going to tell you about my darker layers.
A few years ago, when I lived in France, there was a sentence written on my wall: „I don’t want to talk with my own darkness“. It may sound weird to you guys (and I admit, it is quite a bit), but I sticked this sentence on the wall for good purpose. It was the first time in my life that I was all by myself in a foreign country, for a longer time, at first not knowing anyone and my french was – let’s say- modest. So I had loads of time to start thinking and pondering on things. On life, on the world, on me, on my role in this world. My thoughts became very loud and I started to ask myself if I’m crazy. I know, some of you might say „INDEED YOU ARE“ and in some way I do actually agree. 🙂
But I think that it is a part of being human to have this certain sparkle of craziness inside each one of us. It’s only about what we make out of it. I also do believe that if the life circumstances get wild enough, everybody is capable of getting to know the dark sides inside each one of him-/herself.
One day, a friend of mine, and I consider him a real artist, told me, that I need to loose control over myself a bit more, because he thinks that I haven’t found my potential of being a real artist yet.
I have to say, I don’t agree on that. There were times in life where I dived deep into these kind of waters and times where i tempted to ignore this side of me. As I always say, I’m a deep-sea-diver and so are many people in this world. There are a lot of creative souls out – there and some of them are lost as well. I often see, that people think that they get a higher potential of being creative, loosing themselves and experiencing the world in different layers when they do drugs. But at the end, I think, it’s no art to loose yourself in this world. It’s so much easier than staying alive, healthy and stable on this planet. The art is, to balance in between both worlds.
So I m dancing on the thin line of craziness and enjoying to look at the boarder, see the dark in me and use this potential for my creativity. You know, I’m writing. Currently on a fictitious story about a woman who wakes up in psychiatry, not knowing, who she is. YES – FICTITIOUS!! 😉
But I like to get up in the morning, knowing that I m stable and clear and I can walk through this world with, at least at the moment, a strong mind that I can count on.
I sometimes get messages from people who actually really read my blog (there are some!!!:)) And this truly means something to me. So to all you guys out-there, if you get really quiet, sit down and realise that life is actually pretty weird, don’t worry, we are all on this planet, actually knowing shit and just trying to get through this life. And if we are good and lucky, we might survive and still be alive at the end of the road. 🙂